God is not a Woman

There is a movement afoot making the claim that God is a woman. No research is needed to support this theory as I offer definitive evidence that God is definitely a man (and has a sick sense of humor):

  1. Women have to take off all clothing from the waist down to pee. Men just have to pull it out and aim.
  2. Childbirth. The gift (?) of being able to carry life? Please. Nine months of non-stop fun: weight gain, swollen ankles, hair falling out of your head and growing on your face, pregnancy mask, vomiting, back aches, peeing 10 drops every 5 minutes, hemorrhoids, and the icing on the cake: now you're horny as hell but too uncomfortable to do anything about it!
  3. Puberty: boys' voices change. Big deal. Our once smooth skin is now covered in zits, every month we're laid low with cramps, the mood swings make us think we're psychotic and we can look forward to at least 40 more years of this monthly bliss.
  4. Teen years: we spend these years trying not to get pregnant at the most fertile time of our life.
  5. Twenties: we spend these years trying TO get pregnant.
  6. Thirties and Forties: once again trying not to get pregnant.
  7. Men look more distinguished as their hair turns gray. Women just look old. Our gray hair adopts a life of its own, springing out in weird directions and defying even the most permanent of hair colors. Changing makeup shades doesn't work; what do you match to forty shades of gray?
  8. More mid-life joy: hair turns gray - everywhere. AND we now have hair above our lips, on our chins, and everywhere else we don't want it. And you can't pluck fast enough: for every hair you pluck, 5 friends come to its funeral.
  9. Menopause: oh, the joy, the rapture! Hair falling out again, and you become your own ecosystem: your body temperature goes up and down 10 degrees every 5 minutes, and you could water a third-world country with the perspiration.
  10. Gravity: this hits anywhere after 30. Your boobs are bigger, but lower, but then, so is everything else. Waist? What waist? When we shop, we look for fabrics with GIVE.
  11. You grow extra body parts, for example, a second chin. Not sure what this is supposed to be good for and I think the scientists are still researching this one.
  12. Then the blessings of living a long life kick in: osteoporosis, increased risk of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and colon cancer.

God, you gotta lotta 'splainin to do...if God WAS a woman, it'd be the other way 'round!


Laurence said...

You are very funny !!! :-D

Diana said...

and you could water a third-world country with the perspiration.

You said it sister -- it is so embarrassing!

Steph said...

Oh, I just love this. Brava!